Overloaded with Life

Whew! Today marks the day I officially have four jobs! And am supposed to start school in one week to finish my B.S. in Psychology. I'm thinking now might be a good time to push back that start date a little further on... I am swamped! It's busy times like these that really put into perspective the important things in life. God. My kids. Love. Joy. I am working hard, yes, and I am busy and tired, yes. But I am working towards a goal that I feel God is leading me to, and I am continually seeking joy and giving love to those closest to me. The time will come, I'm sure, when I will breath a sigh of relief and look back at the past few difficult years with gratitude, because things are worth more when you have to work for them! So here's to the ones who are working their butts off to achieve a goal! It's hard work. May it all be worth it. :0)

Perfect? Nope, not me!!

Ever felt like this?  

That cute little grumpy grump is my baby girl. She always makes the perfect faces that tell me exactly how she feels. Lately I've been feeling really down, and apparently my moods show up on my face more than I ever imagined. At work a week ago, I had the awful experience of being told by several kinda sorta co-workers that I act like I'm better than everyone else, I don't talk to anyone, I'm moody and they don't like coming to work because I'm there. Ouch. Yes, that one hurt. A lot. It hurt because I've always been the "nice one," the "happy one." But I guess since my life is so messy right now, the way my heart feels is plastered all over my face and I didn't even realize it. I thought I was reaching out and being kind to these girls I've been working with less than 6 months. But they saw things a different way. They saw me keeping to myself more than engaging, and frowning more than smiling. This realization makes me feel sad, sad, sad. I want to love people. I want that love to shine through my skin. But right now, my shine is kinda dull. It took me time to get here, a week later, where I can say, "Hey, I can't please everybody." Yes, my life is crizazy stressful right now, and sometimes I am so all up inside my own head that I can't have a conversation with anyone before work....there's a conversation going on but it's usually with me and God, or just me and myself. I am sorting through junk and trying to create a new normal life for my beautiful kids, trying to start a new normal life with a new amazing guy, and trying to start a new normal life with a brand new (three) jobs. First step, make sure my lovey dovey babies are well taken care of and make sure THEY are loved as much as they deserve.  

     

Finding My Way to Forgiveness

  “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” 
--Nelson Mandella   I don't have any "enemies" that I know of, but I did lose a very close girlfriend soon after my divorce.  Her reason for leaving the friendship was not one I agree with or completely understand even, but the fact of the matter was that it wasn't my choice to end the friendship, it was hers. She had reasons that were important to her and it really wasn't my place to judge her choices or intentions. I just had to accept it and move on, no matter how much it hurt.    I knew it was futile to try to figure out a way to "win her back" so to speak, so I tried my best to continue on with rebuilding my strange, new life. But here we are, 8 months later, and I'm still struggling to heal from losing that friend whom I considered as close as a sister.   What makes it even harder is that together, we had a very close circle of friends, but that circle has all but vanished for me now. There are a handful of girls who have showed their support in a facebook message, text, or just a chat at the store, but it's not the same as it used to be. It never will be. And that's okay, I know things change, and they especially do after a divorce! But I miss those girls with all my heart. I miss the laughs and the fellowship and the silly fun we had.   Anyway, I digress. This was not meant to be a pity party post! But see what I mean? It's so easy to get caught up in pain and loss, and it's so easy to let those feelings of pain and loss turn into anger and resentment.   Time and prayer and a positive outlook are definitely the key to getting me out of my funk. It's ironic how when we hold on to anger and bitterness and hurt, it's actually WE who suffer.     "Help me now to do the impossible Forgiveness

It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it’s power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you." --Matthew West    
 

Finding my way home...

God...
How do I find my way back to Him when I've walked through the bloody mess we call divorce, and all that it entails?
How do I wade through my sins, my pain, my loss, the pain and loss others have experienced because of me... How do I find a path through to the other side?
Two friends of mine have gone through divorce and they both went through a period where they pulled away from everyone they were once close to. I didn't understand it then. I thought, Why pull away from your friends and family, the people who love you and can help you through this?
I understand it now.

Divorce can cause a tremendous amount of shame and regret -- even if the divorce was "biblical" or somehow completely justified.
As a Christian, just knowing I had a part in destroying a union God created is a depressing thought.
I know He is still with me... Of course He is. He'll never leave me. But I wonder sometimes, Did I let Him down? Can I ever really "come back" from all of this? My heart tells me, Don't be silly. Of course you can! But there's still a nagging doubt somewhere in my soul. I guess you could call it a lack of faith...Not in Him, but in myself.  
...Just some random thoughts for a lonely Monday night...

Opening Eyes, Changing Hearts

It is so weird how we just keep on learning...even as we grow into adult-hood and probably even senior citizenship we can learn new things and our eyes can be opened to mossy rabbit-holes in the universe we never even imagined. I'm not trying to be super deep or anything here...  It's just that at 28 I am still learning daily that   The world is a BIG place... And I'm such a small part of it.   Because of my divorce, I've had to step into this new role as not only mother, but also provider. It's been a difficult transition for me, but at the same time I've also grown a lot as a human being. I always thought I was open minded and conscious of those around me, but going to work in the human services field has opened a door for me to see many things I never knew much about. Drug and alcohol abuse... mental illness...domestic abuse and child abuse...poverty...   These are things that are so REAL. These are things that the people around us, our neighbors, friends, even family members, are grappling with every day. And while we are perhaps aware, the truth is that unless we've experienced these things first hand it's almost like there's a veil there between "us" and "them." Because of my work, I am seeing that veil lift and it's a scary thing.   How come no one ever told me that "those" people--the people who get their kids taken away for abusing drugs, the people who hit their wives because of built up internal anger, the people who are in jail for cooking drugs in a home where children live--"THOSE" people are not all that different from me!
Some of them, sadly, are not going to change. But some of them can, and will if they have people alongside them who give a crap.  I don't have some wild notion that I will change the world because I'm beginning to see around the shady corners and dimly lit rooms of our society. But I do have confidence that God has me in this place because I do give a damn, and while I probably won't change the world I can have a small part in changing a heart.  

Date Night

We had these big plans to go out to  a really yummy Thai restaurant and have some Pad Thai. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.  :0)

So I get all dressed up, and my boyfriend gets all dressed up (and he is a guy who can dress) and we get to the restaurant, and the atmosphere is

Ghett--O.

The people sitting at the bar didn't know any words other than curse words...

We're sitting there trying to be all romantic and such and all I can hear is *%&#! and $%&*#?!

Hot.

 

So we took our food to go and headed home.

 

We ate and ate and ate.
We drank some wine.

We played some music and slow danced.

We practiced some songs.

We watched ZOMBIES!!! (Walking Dead.)

It was a great night.

 

  I forced him to take many, MANY pictures with me. He hates this one because he looks shorter than me... He is BARELY taller and he loves to rub it in.   Do you do this with your spouse/boyfriend? The picture thing... It used to be just something I'd do with girlfriends but I don't have many of those these days, so I force him to endure it. (I think he secretly loves it though.)